This is a guest post written by Josh Hanagarne, the twitchy giant behind World’s Strongest Librarian, a blog with advice about living with Tourette’s Syndrome, kettlebells, book recommendations, buying pants when you’re 6’8”, old-time strongman training, and much more. Please subscribe to Josh’s RSS Updates to stay in touch.
My mom loved to run over our pets. She lived for it. She couldn’t get enough of it. Christmas mornings began with puppies or kitten crawling out of our stockings. My siblings and I would ooh and ahh and scream for about a week before getting down to the serious business of letting our parents take care of the animals and cursing out laziness.
By April, those pets would either be run down in the driveway or carried off by coyotes. Didn’t matter which. Gone is gone, as they say, whoever “they” are.
My most vivid memory of talking about the concept of life after death came while I was kneeling in a graveyard which grew by at least one Popsicle stick cross each year.
Enter The Pug!
If there is a Heaven, I am convinced that all my pets up there put their smashed heads together and sent Grover to Earth just to end my mom’s winning streak.
He was dumb, but wow he was tough. Grover looked like a sausage that someone stuffed into a fur coat, and then they fattened that sausage up by feeding it more sausage. He would slobber and howl and his eyes looked in opposite directions. None of us really liked him because he was so spastic, but it was awesome to have a dog around that had the knack for vanquishing death.
Grover got ran over about once a week. He would bounce right back up and jiggle off in search of high adventure. But he’d always rush back to the driveway just in time to lie down under someone’s wheels.
Nobody Wins Forever…
Warning: this story has a happy ending, but it gets worse before it gets better. Tough it out.
One night I was watching TV in the living room when my sister ran in crying. “Mom ran over Grover!” No surprise there, but…no, something was different. This was serious. In the background I heard a hideous noise, rising in pitch every second.
It was Grover. He was dragging himself around the lawn on his front paws. It was the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. It looked like he had broken his back. Whenever our dogs had broken their backs before, they never recovered. Not even close.
I ran to get my dad’s pistol, but he had hidden the bullets somewhere else. The noise outside was getting worse, both from my mom, sister, and that poor dog.
I was desperate. I grabbed my baseball bat and ran out into the front yard. My heart was pounding so hard I thought I’d die. The thought of what I was about to do was too horrible to comprehend, but it wasn’t as bad as the pain he was in.
I walked up to Grover, my own eyes starting to tear up now. I raised the bat, gritted my teeth and…
He jumped up and ran off into the bushes. He was fine. The next morning it was as if nothing had ever happened. In fact, it was about 12 hours later that he came nipping at the tires of my Honda Civic as I backed out of our driveway.
The Lesson
The next day, a quote by the late, great Kurt Vonnegut went through my head. It’s from the book Mother Night.
“We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.”
I don’t know why Grover acted like he was hurt, but it almost got his brains bashed in. I would have been traumatized and he would have been dead.
It’s never a bad idea to take a look at yourself. Are you acting the way you feel? If not, why? Why would you pretend to be anything other than you are? There are certainly times to control your emotions and project a particular aura, but do you know when those times are?
If you pretend to be something you aren’t for too long, you will become that thing. If people already perceive you as being that thing, it is time for self-scrutiny and change.
But the real lesson here is this: Read Kurt Vonnegut!
(Photo via audreyjm529)
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I think there are a couple takeaways from this story: 1) Pugs are much tougher than they look (and they look like their eyes are about to fall out). 2) Sometimes we convince ourselves of things that have or haven’t happened and can cause us to act certain ways and 3) You’re right, Kurt Vonnegut is the best. My particular favorite of his is Galapagos.
The first thing that comes to mind is, wow, what is your mom’s problem? Definitely a humorous and engaging post. Too often people in this world are not honest with their own persona, and as a result project someone they are not. Whether it is intentional or not, it can result in superficial friendships/relationships with others that can leave those people alone in their real times of need.
Nice work.
@Vicki: Galapagos! YES!
@Chad: In fairness, my mom is kind enough to make Mother Teresa look like a grand inquisitor. The sound of raised voices nearly makes her cry. And yet…I think pretending gets even easier online. It’s never a bad idea to question our motivations for doing things. But when you start turning over rocks, it’s not always comfortable.
What a great post. I wrote about this subject recently on my blog and I feel the same way you do about pretending. I think it can actually be a pretty dangerous thing. Several of my readers thought that there are situations during which it is ok to pretend. Not sure if I agree with that entirely, but I know there are some times where I don’t want to act the way I do with my friends in front of my mother. It’s a complicated subject but you’ve covered it beautifully. Nice work!
Maybe I took the post the wrong way, but I didn’t think there was anything funny or amusing about this. You lost me at the part where you failed to take care of your pets and then again when you let your mom run over them.
I’m one of those people with a little dog in the city and I actually have nightmares all the time about something happening to her, so I REALLY hope you made this whole thing up and I’m just being sensitive.
If not, I’m pretty shocked that Matt would even publish this on his site, considering he talks about his dog all the time. Poor taste all around.
I agree with you here, Monica.
As engaging the story was (for good and bad) and as much as I get the questions laid at the end of the story, I’m not so sure I get the purpose of the story. I’m rarely over-sensitive on topics, I don’t own a dog (though I love them still), but I didn’t see the point of a story that proclaimed someone’s persistent neglect of their animals and the close-to cruel act of putting your dog down with a baseball bat…
Thanks for writing this comment, Monica. I read this post three times to make sure my initial reaction wasn’t, in fact, overreacting or being sensitive to the subject. I even asked a friend for additional perspective, gave myself time to mull it over, to make sure I wasn’t missing something.
Josh: I rarely, rarely have something negative to say, even in disagreements, but I’m horrified by this post and have to admit that I’m disappointed in its posting. Even the lesson, which might have been well thought-out on its own, was difficult to grasp and appreciate in the context of such a story. Very few things offend me, but I’m more than offended here. I really do hope as well that this was sensationalized for the sake of the blog.
You have some good thoughts in regard to the idea of pretending that I think impacts everyone at one point or another. I would have liked to see your thoughts on that without such a negative story used to prove the point.
I agree with Monica. I find this story really frightening and couldn’t really see through that to get to the important parts. Very sad and I also hope you’re not serious about your mother running over all your dogs!
I do get what you’re saying though. But what if you’re pretending to be something that you want to be? You’re pretending to be smart, intelligent, inquisitive, hardworking, or whatever? If you pretend to have some good qualities, does that mean you become that? I don’t know if that’s true. Sometimes you will never become the things you pretend to be/want to be.
So…yes, the story itself comes off as cruel, which I’m not fond of in any regard. But, really, I just think this is a long shot at using anecdotal evidence to show the negative repercussions of pretending to be someone you’re not. As far as anecdotes go, I think it’d be safer to tread on, say, human ground? I love dogs but comparing an animal’s “pretending” to how we pretend to behave just doesn’t make sense.
And yeah, it’s really not kosher to talk so openly about running over animals (or killing them for “humane” purposes). Maybe we’re interpreting the tone wrong, but joking about a situation like this makes a mockery of the very serious issue of animal cruelty. Sorry, I just can’t get into it.
While I’m sure the severity of this was embellished, I think the concept of smokescreens as we relate to one another can be very detrimental. It’s a subject I’m thinking a lot about lately, actually.
I love, love, love Vonnegut. As a sidenote.
My sincere apologies to everyone who has been offended, put off, or horrified by this post. There is nothing that can blow up in your face like humor that fails. I think animal cruelty is pure poison and I’ve never taken part in it. We were never cruel to our animals, and I did not mean to imply that they were neglected. We were just careless kids. The act of almost putting Grover down was done by a hysterical teenager who didn’t know what else to do. I did learn something from the experience, but I do apologize for shocking or repelling anyone.
@Nate: Glad you got something out of it.
@Monica: Okay, I obviously need to clarify a couple of things. Nobody “let” our pets get run over. We were young kids and it traumatized us every single time it happened. As to not taking care of our pets, again, we were young kids. We thought we were up to the responsibility of tending them, we made lots of promises, and then, as often happens, the adults wound up handling what a seven year old could not. Our pets were happy and healthy and we loved them. There were some unfortunate accidents.
@Sonny: I know I implied that the pets were neglected, but they really weren’t. I take all of the responsibility for poor word and lack of clarification in the post. Almost putting Grover down was a desperate act by a hysterical teenager. I love animals and have never committed a cruel act in my life. Sorry again. If Matt would like to take down the post, I’d support his decision.
@Susan: The last thing I wanted to do was horrify or offend. My sincere apology.
@Akhila: we did lose a lot of dogs, but it was never intentional.
@Teresa: I can’t argue with you, as I believe each person’s perception is usually the right one. We were never cruel to our animals, but that is obviously not the picture I have painted. I should have made that much, much more clear. Human ground it is.
Thank you for providing some clarification Josh. I honestly believe this is/was just a tounge and cheek look at a point about “pretending to be something you’re not”. If I thought you were a cruel bastard, I would have never posted this here.
With that being said, I do apologize to everyone who found this distasteful – I do not disagree with any of you and can see how this was interpreted in a negative light.
I do not plan to take this post down for two reasons:
1) I do believe, at it’s core, there is a valuable lesson here about being something you’re not. The context may not have come out as intended, but I shared this with all of you because of the “lesson” that can be learned here.
2) There is another lesson here – and that is that ANYTHING, especially written word, can be interpreted in many different ways. When I read and agreed to publish this – I saw things through an entirely different lens than many of you. And, even in the comments here – there were clearly multiple interpretations.
There are valuable takeaways here – on multiple levels. And even if you disagree with the context of the post, I hope you all will respect my decision to keep this up and allow further discussion. Thanks as always to everyone for providing an engaging conversation.
Thanks for not taking this down. Lots to learn from this post!
Good answer from both Josh and Matt.
Although I was at first confused and wondered how many animals had been run over
I didn’t focus on that aspect of the post. I must admit it was a bit gruesome, but I don’t think that we can only hear flowery, pretty stories without some of the dark aspects of life. I definitely agree there are many lenses to look at content, especially the written word.
I think a deeper issue here is that people don’t know who they are, so they may not even realize they’re pretending. Getting to the core of our existence helps us understand ourselves and what honesty really means.
Thanks Grace – I can see how the story has caused a bit of controversy but again, it was just a bit of humor to couple to deeper meaning of this post. You make a great point here. I think it is very easy to lose ourselves, to become someone we’re not and then believe that’s who we really are. Some of that can be based on circumstance and the company we keep. At the end of the day, if you’re being something or someone you’re not – people will figure you out.
Josh, thanks for the clarifications. Don’t think I mentioned this earlier, but I’m pretty far in the opposite direction from you on animal rights – quit eating meat two years ago, slowly getting rid of clothing made from animals or animal bi-products, and also foster shelter dogs occasionally – it’s unlikely that we’ll ever see eye to eye on any of this, but I appreciate that you took the time to respond to my comment, even if it doesn’t make me feel differently about the post.
Matt, thanks for following up as well. I can see that many people took the post many different ways, so I wouldn’t expect you to do anything drastic like take the post down. (Plus it’s your blog, so no one should ever intimidate you into taking something down if you don’t want to.) It might just be a polarizing post that people either love or hate.
Wow … Speechless! I love dogs and appreciate Josh’s clarifications above. I think there are some takeaways to this post but I could have done without the dog tie-in. I think many young professionals pretend to be something they are not. It’s the whole “fake it til you make it” mentality. I get why people think they have to pretend but it can be such a double-edged sword! Eventually someone will probably see through the pretending. I try to be true to myself.
Akhila also made a good point, what if you’re pretending to be something that you want to be? I think there is something to be said for positive thinking. If I am looking to advance my PR career in the years to come then I need to be conscience of the persona I am projecting now. Such a delicate balancing act.
@taraperson
Tara, I’m curious about you saying that many “young” professionals pretend to be something they’re not. I agree with you, but I don’t see the trend changing as people get older. Do you feel like professional persona becomes less important as people age, or does the persona just become the reality?
Josh, I agree, I don’t see a changing trend as people get older. However, I think it’s more prevalent in young professionals with an expectation to come out of the gate running. More importantly, there is a “know-it-all” persona that some young professionals have. Five seconds after you graduate you can’t know it all. Therefore they think they need to pretend to satisfy external and internal expectations. Maybe the persona does become a reality or less important as people age, I don’t know, I’ll let you know when I get older!
Note: I am a young professional sans the know-it-all persona!
Matt – Totally support you not taking down the post! Maybe your next post could be about a trip you and Josh take to your local Humane Society.
Thanks so much for the clarifications, Josh and Matt. I had a suspicion this was a little too cruel to be true, but I couldn’t walk away without saying something. All in a day’s perspective, hm?
@Teresa: yeah, tough morning. It’s not every day you find out you’re a sick freak:) I wish I could say this was the first terrible judgment call I’ve made, but it isn’t. I wish I could say that it will be the last, but…here’s hoping!
I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with distinguishing your everyday behaviours and your professional demeanor at work. What I find is that those who have natural dignity and intelligence on a day-to-day basis as a part of their regular persona will have no problems easing into the work environment with the same sort of discipline. And I don’t mean regularly being neurotic or uptight.. but to simply be a responsible, dignified human being who is approachable. Not many people like the tight-lipped uppity business image anymore, anyway. Everyone sees through the pretense and it makes people uncomfortable because it’s fake.
I’m curious though about why some young professionals feel they need to exude the same sort of confidence and know-how as someone who has worked in their field for over 10 years. What makes us feel as though we need to pretend we know everything? Is it ego? Is it pride? Is it the need to be taken seriously? To be quite honest, behaving that way only comes off as ignorant arrogance.. because who are we to say that we have the answers to everything? Who are we to act as though we know what we’re doing? I’m a new teacher, and I know that if I went around passing off advice to the weathered teachers, I’d piss off a lot of people.. so I figure, why not make use of that energy to ask questions and learn, rather than pretend I already know what I’m doing? Sure I’ve got my own creative ideas, but let my actions speak louder than my words. Just do my job, do what I do, take part in collaborations where I can with sincerity, and the recognition will come.
@Karen: I totally agree. I think it’s a combination of everything you mentioned: ego, pride and the need to be taken seriously. It’s sad because as young professionals we can learn so much from those who have been in the field longer than us. Currently I am job searching and I have been open with future employers that I welcome opportunities to learn which they seem to be responding well to.
Excellent post.
You have a great writing style and sense of story in your post. Both great attributes of an engaging and popular writer. I commend you sir and will be checking out your site for more words of baseball bat bashing wisdom.
I was sent a link to this by a friend asking if she was overreacting by finding it disturbing.
I don’t think she was.
You speak of your mother as being so kind that raised voices make her cry, yet how much real kindness is there in giving a small child the responsibility of caring for a living creature and cursing at them for not being mature enough to do so?
Letting the pets that you provide to your children as gifts to roam free so that they can frequently be run over, eaten by coyotes or vanish also seems to indicate a serious lack of responsible and humane behavior.
Pretending takes on many forms, sometimes even the form of recounting a biographical anecdote veiled as humor to probe issues still conflicting and painful.
Taylor – In hindsight I can certainly see how this post might have come across as cold and/or cruel. I do not think your friend was erroneous in her reaction and neither are you. But, with that being said, I assure you that Josh really did not mean any harm by this – he has apologized for such, as have I. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
Taylor, I will agree that the experience affected me deeply. There’s a reason I’m still talking about it 12 years later. The only other thing I’ll say: once a coyote grabbed one of my dogs while I was playing with it in our back yard. The dog wasn’t running free–it was within one foot of me. The coyotes were everywhere and they were always starving and aggressive. I was attacked by one myself once, and I ran free a lot more than my pets.
Thanks for the comment.
A bat? You were going to hit the poor dog with your bat? I would think he would have suffered enough, do you know how many times you would probably have to hit the dog for him to die? That’s crazy. I can sympathize you were hurting and thought you were doing the best thing, but next time, if you think the dog is in that pain, either shoot him or take him to a vet, but don’t swing the bat.
Toni, you’re absolutely right, thanks.
After the fallout from this post, I actually took a trip to Nevada a couple of weeks ago for work. I was able to drop by and visit Grover. He’s now the size of a small horse and is deliriously happy. I’m still happy he was my dog, even though he was better to me than I was to him.
I heard a quote recently that I really liked. “We can only measure our humanity by the way we treat animals.” I really do believe that and I believe that compassion is the most important thing in life. I wish I’d made a better choice, but I didn’t, and now I’m stuck with the memory. It’s good for me, and this experience has helped me take a look at a lot of other things I wish I’d done differently in the past, and mistakes I’ll be able to avoid from now on.